Lair Davis (Our Man in Costa Rica)

The Real World

Last week I had lunch with the newly elected president of Democrats Abroad of Costa Rica, a group of expats who give a damn and are making sure that United States citizens who live in other countries are registered to vote. As do most people in the world, Democrats Abroad — and I — want to throw George W. Bush out of office and send him back to Texas, where they can appreciate blowhard, arrogant, ignorant, deceitful, hypocritical, asshole cowboys such as he.

Jo Stuart, the local president of Democrats Abroad, is also a columnist for an English-language website that offers a daily dose of news to us who live in Costa Rica. She is a terrific writer, and I highly recommend her column, which appears on Fridays: http://www.amcostarica.com/
Jo has lived in Costa Rica for 12 years. Previously she lived in San Jose, California. Now she resides in the other San Jose.

When I first began to plan my retirement in Costa Rica, I came to realize that I would be entering the “real world” when I moved. You and I know that California, where I also lived previously, is not the “real world.” Neither is New York City. Certainly Madison, Wisconsin, which is another place I have lived, is not the “real world.” Not even San Diego in Southern California is in the “real world” really.

The “real world” is a place where being gay or lesbian is not something that is talked about in casual conversation. For many, the subject of homosexuality — indeed sexuality in any form — is much too embarrassing a subject to discuss with anyone other than one’s most intimate acquaintances.

Of course, there is nothing really stopping us from telling people in the “real world” that we are gay or lesbian, but we are naïve if we expect them to understand or want to hear about it. They will not be educated so easily. Most people do not want to be educated about such a subject as someone else’s sexuality.

Mention that you are gay, and most people will simply be baffled as to why you brought the subject up. They very well might have figure out already that you are gay or lesbian. They do watch television in the “real world,” and homosexuality and gay people are frequent topics of discussion on TV. Most places throughout the world seem to be watching the same shows more or less — made in the U.S.A.

They may KNOW that you are gay, but they do not want to be forced into having to decide that it is okay, or that it is relevant to anything whatsoever, or that it is appropriate for acquaintances to talk about.

I have spent a good portion of my life as a “professional homosexual.” A “career queer,” if you will. I was an editor of a gay community newspaper. Prior to that, I was a theater director. I have not been in the closet for many, many years. I have come to realize, here in Costa Rica, that I do not know how to act as a closeted homosexual.

I am not anxious to become the “talk of the town” in the small city where I am settling. As an openly gay individual, believe me, I would be. So I have made up a story — invented a “double life.” Wow! How 1950s is that?

Which gets me back to lunch with Jo Stuart, the columnist and Democrats Abroad president. She asked me during lunch about my family. As I have to many Costa Ricans who have asked those kinds of questions, I told Jo a “story.” No. Correct that. I told Jo a “lie.”

In the United States, the first question we asked someone when we meet them is, “How are you?” Next, we ask, “What is your name?” and third, we ask, “What do you do?” We are asking what they do for a living. What is their profession, their occupation.

In Latin America, the first two questions are the same, but the third one is different: “Who is your family?” or “Are you married?” or something very similar. If you answer that you are alone, this is assumed to be a tragedy. Oh, how sad! You can see the sympathy well up. No family! “Pobrecito!”

So, before I knew it, I was telling Jo the same story I have told Costa Ricans who ask about my family. I told Jo that I was a widow. I had a son and two grandsons, who would be visiting me occasionally. (If she or anyone else is curious for details, I can provide a whole made-up history of my “family.”)

The longer Jo and I chatted, the more we revealed about ourselves. That’s the trouble with trying to live a double life — it’s damn difficult! I’ve had no practice at it for many a year. This was a liberal Democrat with whom I was conversing — from the Bay Area for crissakes! I do believe she could handle my being gay, but now I had already trapped myself.

It wasn’t until I got home from our lunch that I actually realized what a fool I must have seemed to her. One minute I’m talking about my dearly departed spouse and the next I’m waxing poetic about having been a columnist for a gay newspaper. She must have thought I was really full of bullshit! And she would be right about that!

So, I am sending this column to Jo, hoping she will “get it,” just as I hope all my readers do.

I’ve learned a lesson. I may not “come out” to everyone I meet in Costa Rica, but I will try to be no further in the closet than necessary. And when I go to the Mercado Central to buy my fruits and vegetables, I am going to take along my shopping basket — the festive one with waaaay too many flowers and colors mixed in the straw. Most people will be able to figure out for themselves my “story,” I believe, thus saving them the embarrassment of having to listen to me tell them and removing the need for me to do so.